There is no spoon

I've been taking some time processing my end of the week thoughts towards our church's week of prayer. But as I allowed a 'couple days' to pass while I thought about it, the things going on in my life continued to change the direction of my thoughts. One phrase that kept coming to mind during the week was something i heard at our last women's retreat. We talked about all the things in our individual lives that hinder us in coming to God. Events, fears, insecurities. I was kind-of wondering what we were going to do with that information. Were we going to find healing from those things while on the retreat? Were we going to learn the magic secret to getting past it? At the end of the retreat when it seemed we were running out of time to fit in all that magic damage repair, this is what Angel said that stuck with me,
"Stop pursuing freedom. Pursue God."
Of course my initial reaction (after i block out the whiny voice deep inside that just realized i wasn't going home with my magic freedom) was to think "ok, so if i start really focusing on pursuing God then I will get freedom from this other stuff." Now I had a problem. I knew that I was still really pursuing freedom. As though if I were conniving enough, I might trick God into thinking I was doing great at pursuing Him so he would then miraculously heal me. So now what? How is it even possible for me to get past my extraordinarily self-serving nature to truly pursue God just for God and not for the benefits I hoped it would bring to my brokenness?
This past week (after the week of prayer) Satan has hit me pretty hard. And I came to a decision that may not be true for everyone, but it feels like a light bulb in my brain to my dilemma in pursuing freedom.

There is no spoon.

Or in my case: There is no freedom.

Not in this world. I am an exile. I will always have the desire for freedom. I will always long for my true home as a child of Christ with a new heart that deeply aches with the pain in this world. But I cannot hope, cry, or claw my way away from it. Freedom isn't to be found here. It will come like a white knight whisking off the damsel in distress when our Savior returns to take us back to the home from which he sent us into exile. In that lies my hope. In that I hope to accept what is, and move forward to pursue God just because He is God.