Day 1. Church-wide prayer focus: Personal and Relational

When I was pregnant with Elliot and went into labor, I was convinced that pain is all in your head. I figured I was mentally strong and would be able to rise above, and it wasn’t going to be that bad. When the labor was getting pretty rough and they asked me if I wanted drugs, I said no, but I really wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to take it if it were going to still be a long time. The nurse assured me that if I’d made it as far as I had, that I would be fine. I took this to mean it wasn’t going to get much worse and it wasn’t going to last much longer. A couple of hours is not too much longer compared to many women’s stories, but it was an eternity to me – and the pain got MUCH worse. As I approached going into labor with Kyla, I had of course forgotten the extent of the pain and figured if I’d done it once, I could do it again without drugs because I believed in the long run it was better than the chance I’d need surgery if the drugs affected the process negatively. As the labor intensified and my recollection was awakened, I became terrified of the pain to come. Having gone through two natural births and having survived them, I would think my natural response to other physical pain in life would be to say “There’s nothing I can’t handle, I’ve gone through labor and childbirth!” But that hasn’t been the case. I’m actually quite afraid of physical pain now, though I never remember having that fear before I experienced childbirth.

One of the prayer points for this day in the week of prayer and fasting (see previous post), is prayer for God to continue to refine our character. I went all day avoiding that prayer point and focusing on other things instead. I’m a stubborn person, and I know what refinement tends to look like for stubborn people. Painful.

I’ve experienced some serious refinement. And it entailed more pain than I thought a person should be able to survive. And although it probably won’t ever fully go away, I am at least to a point where I can look back and realize that I did, in-fact, survive.

However, having had serious refinement by no means negates that I am still in need of serious refinement in innumerable ways. But I can’t bring myself to ask God to refine me. I’m terrified. I’ve experienced God’s miraculous power and Sovereignty over my life, yet I still sit here paralyzed with fear with the memory of pain still fresh on all my senses. It angers me to know that in this, the enemy is winning. How can I get there? How can I get to the point of truly giving everything to God and jumping off that cliff?